Driving Myself Spiritually Insane

What to do when you have no idea what to believe, and you have all these spiritual ideas and opinions and conflicting thoughts smashing into you?

Go spiritually spastic, I suppose.

But seriously, I have no idea what I'm doing. Sure, I've got my basic structure--"and it harm none, do as you will," nature is divine, celebrate the changing seasons, blah blah blah. All that great stuff that I've been practicing since I was 13. But I can't always believe in the same things, although some people seem to think I do.

To tell the absolute truth, I don't know what to believe. One minute one thing makes sense, the next minute something else does, and I have all these ideas and weird thoughts and ponderings and all of it makes sense but it all contradicts each other.

I suppose some would tell me, Becky, just don't even have a religion! Don't even be spiritual! Religion causes too many problems anyway!

But see, that's just not me. I need a spiritual life. I crave it. I might go as far to say that I can't even live without it. Without spirituality, my life seems so empty, so superficial, so ... well ... normal. *involuntary shudder* Without some kind of spirituality, it feels as though I'm wondering around aimlessly; I'm just going through the motions because nothing has any true meaning in it.

So, I need a spirituality, obviously, even if it's not a religion. But the problem is with spirituality, it's even more confusing than religion because nothing is set in stone! Nothing stays the same in spirituality. It grows. It evolves. There's no book telling you exactly what to believe or practice--it's you, metamorphasizing constantly. Which, now that I think about it, doesn't seem so bad...

What's so wrong with changing constantly? Change is the only constant. It's an oxymoron itself. Change is the only sure permament thing in this world. And best of all, change is mischievious. Change sneaks up on you and plays with you and laughs and guffaws and just in general tries its best to generate as much fun as possible, even if that "fun" tends to cause problems. But even problems are fun, in a twisted way. If it weren't for problems, we wouldn't have goals, and if we didn't have goals, we wouldn't be happy.

Am I right?

Yes, I quite believe I am.

I want LIFE to be my spirituality--the "Divine Wow" that is life, the constantly changing and constantly mischievious and difficult and inspiring and beautiful thing that is life. (If you've ever read Pronoia is the Antidote to Paranoia by Rob Brezsny, you can see that I'm highly inspired by it.)

I love that I solved my problem while I typed. It's like my fingers took over and BAM--problem solved. How's that life for you?

Becky, away~
*wooshes out like superman*

I know, I know...

...I'm absolutely terrible at this blogging thing. I admit it. And when you attach it to something like, say, a 365 project or a 1001 project, or basically anything with "project" on the end of it---I suck even worse. At the beginning of the project I've got my camera in one hand, a notebook in the other, screaming (internally, of course) "HECKYES!!! LET'S DO THIS! WOOOOOO!" And then, after a week--or two, if I'm really determined--I start missing days, thinking, "ahhhh, it's okay, I'll just put up two tomorrow." And then eventually I don't post at all. I don't know, maybe I have commitment issues. Or maybe I could blame it on the fact that I'm a Gemini, so I'm naturally ADD while not actually being ADD, so I get bored with stuff fairly fast...which doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.

But moving along, I think I'm just going to quit doing this whole "project" thing. I think, by attaching the word "project" to it, it reminds me of schoolwork, which automatically turns me completely off. I mean, it's the summer people. Who wants to be reminded of school?

So, basically, what I'm going to do from now on, is just blog when I feel like it. No commitment. No projects.

9/1001

The beach.

I've never really resonated with it in the way some of my friends do, how it makes them feel. But every so often, I just need to escape the chaos that is my home and spend some time alone, and this beach is where I come to do just that. Quiet, secluded, and beautiful, it's the perfect place to sit and close your eyes, pretending you're miles away. If you walk up the river there a bit, there's a big waterfall with a pool at the bottom that's perfect for swimming in. Like I said, it's the perfect place to escape to. And that's exactly what I did today. When I came away from it, I felt so much better than I did before. It's as if that beach simply sucks the sadness, stress, and negativity out of you, leaving nothing but calm.

8/1001

This says "Blessed Be" in runes, in case you don't know. :)

On saturday, I went to an intuitive fair in a town near mine. The fair's name was "Wonderfully Wicked," and it was by a metaphysical store that's amazing. Just sayin'.

But anyway, it was great. I love intuitive faires. In my every day life, I can't talk about the things I believe, my views, my opinions in spirituality. I can't talk about spiritual experiences. But at intuitive faires, it's a place I can talk freely. Words such as magick, goddess, manifest, totems, guides, and astral are all casually-used terms. These faires make me feel so comfortable---I can talk freely, and other people understand what I'm talking about. It's amazing. Wonderful.

Wonderfully Wicked was a relatively small faire, but it was fun all the same. There were the standard tarot readers, rune readers, and intuitive painters, as well as energy healing and other such practices. I wasn't able to do much since I didn't bring my money, but that's okay, because I mainly came to the faire to bring my friend, who is interested in intuitive things, but doesn't have much a chance to get in to it because her family is against it, so I'm her ride/alibi to events such as this.

One funny thing about this faire---I met a boy who [thankfully] doesn't live in the same town as me, but drove a couple hundred miles just for the faire. He looked like a nice, normal, teen male witch, despite the plain, obvious silver pentacle around his neck. Unfortunately, "nice, normal, teen male witch" didn't really describe him well. He believed in dragons (not the spiritual kind of dragons, but physical, fire-breathing monster dragons like those in fairy tales), bragged about his pet dragon, and how he "owns every dragonology book every published." I nodded my head, said dragonology was interesting, pretended to agree with everything he said, then promptly left. I was standing there wanting so bad to say "dragons aren't real, pull your head out of your ass and grow up," but I used my self-control. I prefer to let people like that learn their own lessons. I don't need to shove my opinions down their throat.

But anyway~ intuitive faires are wonderful. ("wonderfully wicked," hehe) I loves them. Even if I meet rather...odd people at them :)

7/1001

Ok, I know that these next three entries are late, but you'll have to bear with me. I can't blog every single day.

This...is a couch.

Well, no duh...you already know that. This entry really isn't actually about the couch. It just happens to be a couch in a cafe that I hang out in with my buddies after work. No one really calls it by its actual name, since its actual name sucks, so we all just call it "the cafe." I took a nap on this couch. Bad idea to take naps in the cafe. People tickle you. And put whipped cream on your face.

I suppose the cafe hasn't impacted me in a deeply personal level. It's just a place to sit down and relax. Until someone draws on your face with a marker. >>

6/1001

Children.

As many of you know, I work at a day care. I wish I could tell you every single detail as to why these kids impact me every single day, but that would cause a page stretch, so I'll just sum up all their amazing happy-making awesomeness in one sentence...

Those kids are better than a Bob Marley any day.

I'm not posting a picture because I want to get a better one than the one I have. So you'll have to wait.

5/1001

Operation Beautiful.

It's my new favorite project, excluding my Day Zero Project, of course. Basically, you write inspirational messages on sticky notes and leave them in places --like bathrooms-- for women to read. Can't think of an inspirational message? Simply write "you're beautiful". Often, you can put on the sticky note " www.operationbeautiful.com " so other women can know about the project.

I absolutely adore this project. It's such a wonderful thing to do. It's a simple, yet extremely effective, way of boosting women's confidence, even if you don't know who is going to find the sticky note. It's amazing. And the great thing is, your own self-confidence is boosted just by writing the notes.

Spread the word. Spread the love. Operation Beautiful is underway~

4/1001

Three things that would be massively hard for me to give up.
My journal, my cell phone, and Bob Marleys.

okay, maybe, just maybe, I could live without my cell phone and my Bob Marleys, but they sure do have an impact on me, which is why I'm including them in this.
My journal---which is more like a BoS turned into a journal since I now have a different, bigger BoS---is vital to me. I have so many emotions and thoughts that I don't want to voice to anyone. And so, I put them in my journal, along with poetry and information about my day-to-day life. With it, my stress is easier to handle. I think if I didn't have my journal, I would go insane. No joke.
As for my cell phone, well, I don't want to seem materialistic, but I'm slightly addicted to it. I used to have a smaller, less amazing cell phone, but that one broke, so my mom bought me a $120 Spyder II...which I really don't need at all, but love all the same. It does everything. And, well, I love communication. I talk, talk, talk. And so, texting and calling is a must when the people I want to gab to are not physically by me. I blame it on my Gemini nature.
And Bob Marleys...ahhhh....the only Bob Marleys I will buy are from the most amazing coffee shop just down the street from my work. All Hopped Up. Painted a deep purple/red, with a hippie van, hippie lettering, and hippie music playing inside. The tables are painted as a stream with salmon. It makes sense that the best Bob Marley coffee drink ever should be made there. I get one almost every morning. Ever since my---love? lust? hm, let's go for "intense like" for now---interest introduced me to them, I've been addicted. I have them every morning. They're so relaxing. I sit at All Hopped Up with a whip-cream topped Bob Marley in hand, listening to a man playing Stevie Rae Vauhn on his guitar, the birds chirping, the wind blowing---it makes (the real) Bob Marley's words true. The "don't worry 'bout a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright" part, I mean. And the best thing about sitting with fellow Bob Marley fans (the coffee AND the musician) is that there's no pressure to talk. For once in my chaos-filled life, I can just relax and be silent, doing nothing but enjoying the beauty of the world around me. It's wonderful.

I hope you all are having an amazing and stress-free week. Drink up some Bob Marleys! :)

3/1001

Nostalgia.

Noun. A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

Okay, yeah, I suppose that's true. This morning I looked at my old Books if Shadows, which are really more like old diaries with some spells and rituals thrown in there. I also looked at my old diaries and journals from when I was in elementary/middle school. And, of course, I remembered all the great times, like I usually do. It's that way with most experiences like school. You hate it while you're experiencing it, but later, when all is said and done, all you can remember is the happy stuff. And wow, was I remembering. I still am.

It's amazing to think about how much I've grown and changed just in the past 3 years I've been in high school. I now find myself reminiscing old friendships, old relationships, old experiences, old ways of being---even, somehow, the naivete and the ignorance of my past seems more desirable than how involved I am now. There are times, now, when I just want to stick my head in the sand and pretend it's all not happening: my personal problems, politics, the environment, the Gulf disaster...I want to turn my back on it, pretend it's not there, and go on being happy. But, those problems keepa knock-knock-knockin' at the door, and one has to answer sometime, because those knocks tend to get more annoying than the problem itself. Kind of. Depends on the problem.

But anyway, the past is gone and done, and now all I can do is reminisce, but keep moving forward. Try to live happily in the present, while still doing what I can to make a better future, as hard as that looks to be.

2/1001

Life is like a box of cereal, put on the wrong shelf in Safeway.

....

No, but seriously, I loved this. Did it impact me in some deep, poetic, divine way? Not really...I just thought it was badass. Honey Bunches of Oats. In the flower section. Who wouldn't grin at that? It made my day. Almost as much as the drag queen on a motorcycle at the 4th of July parade.

That's pretty hot.

1/1001

http://dayzeroproject.com/user/BeckyBoodles

Gay pride, heck yes!

So, since I haven't posted in a while, I suppose I should fill you in real quick, explaining the photo of this day. I am the founder of the Homer Youth Community Gay-Straight Alliance. Yes, I'm overwhelmed, freaked out, and totally not suited to be a leader, but I'm also extremely excited and as prepared as I can be, plus I have my spirituality supporting me, as well as many friends, both youth and adult. I also have a local chapter of PFLAG behind me.

So, tomorrow is the fourth of July, as you all well know, and so PFLAG and GSA got together (well, a few members from each, mostly PFLAG, but a couple GSA members as well) and created a few banners for the parade. I have to say, I don't think I've ever had this much fun. It seems a bit odd for me to create a GSA when I've had no experience at all with LGBTQ issues, or been in a gay pride parade or festival, or...I don't know...I haven't even met more than a couple LGBTs. Today was a new experience for me, getting together with LGBTQs and creating banners and talking and joking around. It was almost surreal, but at the same time way comfortable, and right, you know? And tomorrow will be an even grander experience when we actually march in the parade.

So, the reason this banner impacted me is because of the phrase itself. It came off an image I found on Google. Born gay: follow the ray. Born straight: refuse to hate." Who can argue with something like that? Hate is a choice. People can justify their reasons for being homophobic, such as growing up around homophobic people, so you were taught that way, so it must be right. I don't think that's a very good reason at all, by the way, because I have a good friend whose mother grew up around extremely racist and homophobic people, and yet is not racist or homophobic in any way. But I digress. My point here is that homophobia is a choice. Go ahead and view homosexuality/bisexuality/transsexuality/etc as "wrong", but you don't have to hate or fear it. To mention another friend, she is very Christian, very commited to her faith, and she believes homosexuality is wrong. BUT she is part of my GSA. Why? Not because she's accepting of homosexuals, but because she knows homophobia does more damage than homosexuality. As she says, homophobia is a greater sin than homosexuality.

I hope our banner inspires people to make the choice that brings peace and tolerance to our community, instead of hate and negativity. I hope our banner impacts other people the way that it impacts me.